Wednesday, September 30, 2015

(Insert a Fitting Title Here)

As I sit here thinking about how to title this entry, I am realizing that I am struggling to put into a few words what is on my mind. This is strange for me because usually writing is an escape and finding the right words tends to happen with some ease. As hesitant as I am to share this, I am also equally sure that it needs to be shared, with very few particulars.

A month or so ago, I began to struggle with a specific situation in my life. I was convinced it was a fluke and that it would quickly resolved. I attempted to push onward. It has not been easy of successful. There have been many days of tears, frustration and confusion. I have been very unclear of my next steps or how I can make things better.

After a particularly rough Monday, and an equally tough Tuesday, I finally confronted someone about how I was feeling and some of the measures I was considering. This person tried to put me at ease, and did to a small extent. However, I left with more unknowns. I decided to give it a few weeks and re-evaluate from there.

By the beginning of last week, I needed a break. I needed to get away. I needed a rest. Some family time was exactly what was needed. I took off Thursday night and ran away, trying not to think about the issue that I was leaving behind me, or hoping to leave behind me and not think about. It worked, for the most part. From Thursday to Sunday, I was able to spend some much-needed time with some pretty great people. It was such a freeing time. When I got back to town on Sunday, I was blessed with hearing from Elder Nash at church and then Bishop Richard L Burton at a fireside. I was very optimistic about returning to life.

Needless to say, it was in vain. Since returning, I have spent much time crying, praying, meditating and trying to find peace that is so badly needed. Last night, I decided to go to the one place where peace is promised and is assured. I went to the temple.

Photo from

For a few hours, I was freed from the problems outside and I could just reflect. I left with positive feelings and with the goal of having patience to get through this incredibly difficult situation. It was interesting, as I got in my car and drove away, the worry-free feeling was dissipated and the same cloud came over me. This time, however, I was able to calm myself.

I wish I could say that this was the end of the story and that by going to the temple I was able to get the peace that helped put me on the right path. However, the trial is still very real. I know that we are given trials for a reason. They strengthen us. They teach us. They prepare us. We have been promised that blessings come after trials. We can and will be lifted up.

 I am hopeful for more peace, guidance and understanding over the next few weeks. The temple did give me a starting point and a point of peace that I can try to remember when the going gets tough. It has also prepared me for General Conference this weekend.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Past Month

Over the past month, I have learned a lot of things about myself. Here are a just few:

~ I am an independent person.
~ I'm not very good at asking for help.
~ I laugh a lot, when I am masking pain.
~ I like to be able to go and do the things that I want without having to wait or rely on someone else.
~ I have good friends and family who are willing to help me, even when I try to avoid their help.

Wearing the boot for the past month has been an adventure and a very humbling experience. It is so much more debilitating than I ever thought it would be. The pain has been interesting, to say the least. I used crutches for the first couple weeks, because walking and balancing on the boot was not easy, especially when you are clumsy  to begin with. I took a few falls with the boot. Once going down stairs (got a cool bruise from that one) and another time getting into a car. Once I was done with the crutches, I balanced better on level surfaces. Uneven surfaces like grass and gravel path are not fun.

I have been told that things look okay and was told only to wear the boot when the pain was bothersome. So far, I have only gone one day without it. My foot still gets swollen and there is still some pain and discomfort, but it is better than it was over a month ago. I still wear the booth when I know there will be a lot of walking, especially with all the swelling. If the pain and swelling persist, I will be going back to the doctor. I really don't want to, so I am hoping and praying that it gets better before I do that.

One of the biggest trials of this has been asking for help and not being able to much of anything by myself. I cannot even begin to list the people who have given me rides or helped me out. My coworkers always made sure I was taken care of with rides, as well as getting water or other things from the downstairs area (my desk is on the upper floor). I have had many friends who have taken me grocery shopping, to church, come and visited me, taken me to appointments and activities and so much more. I was able to go up and see my family, thanks to a good friend, and make another out of town trip, thanks to a friend. I am so appreciative of the help. Thank you all!

I dislike asking for help. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. To those who helped, thank you for not making me feel like a burden and for willingly helping. It was a hard thing for me to do and it was so humbling to see how many people were willing to help. I am so blessed.

One of my struggles has been with wondering and asking why this had to happen. In many ways, I still do not understand. However, it has shown me that I do have a support system down here. The timing was the worst, in my eyes. I was so frustrated when it happened two weeks before my half marathon. I was so ready to run it. However, I am grateful that it happened when it did and not two weeks later, during the marathon. The day of the half marathon was a hard day. I may have cried a time or two. But there were good people around and I was able to keep busy so I didn't focus too much on it.

As you can see, there have been trials, but there have also been blessings. I have learned a lot about myself and others. I am so grateful that I was able to learn these things.