It's time to come clean. I have been dropping hints and being vague about what is going on, but I think that it is time to let it out and share with you all what exactly is going on with me and my wonderful body. I've had some people asking or people who are kind of surprised when I tell them I'm sick so I am making an announcement. Please note that I do not write this for sympathy or attention, but more to inform and let you know where things are at and where I am at with the whole situation.
On January 4th, I woke up and was in pain. I thought it was the normal pain that comes with gastroparesis. That commonly happens and so I decided to take it easy that day and I'd be better by the next day. Sunday came, and a friend dropped by to pick up a few things and drop some things off. The pain was still pretty intense. While she was here, I got sick and knew that I was definitely not getting better, but getting worse. I decided to stay home that day, which was one of the hardest decisions for me. Later on, I noticed that the pain seemed to be centralizing in the right flank of my body. I called my parents to ask for advice and was told to go to Instacare immediately. The only problem was I couldn't get there before it closed. I promised to go first thing the next morning.
At Instacare, after checking the basics and all, I went in the room to wait for the doctor. When she came in, she mentioned my heart rate was at 140, I was dehydrated and that the pain was most likely a kidney infection, so she wanted to put me on IVs to help with all of that. I was there for 2 hours as they pumped liquids through. I was hopeful that with the diagnosis I would be feeling better soon. I was diligent about taking the medicine (even though it didn't seem to be working).
On Thursday, they changed my medicine, when they heard that it didn't seem to be working. Once again, I was hopeful. However, Friday night found me in the worst pain I had experienced. It was difficult to move. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I waited it out, because I'm stubborn and refused to go to the ER. The pain finally decreased and I slept well. However, I still hurt pretty bad pain the next day. After numerous people trying, one friend finally convinced me it was time to go to the ER.
In the ER, I had a catheter of my bladder, got put on some crazy medicines, had a CT Scan and spent some more time on IVs. It was a whirlwind. It didn't feel like I was there that long, but I really was. After the CT Scan, they came in with the results. They told me that on top of my diagnosis of infection they found a kidney stone in the left kidney which was passable (my pain is on the right side) and a small ovarian cyst on the right. They requested that I follow up with my primary care doctor or a Urologist.
I went to the Urologist on Wednesday. It was a breath of fresh air. I felt like he really wanted to find answers and took the time to explain things, explore options, and listen. It was nice. He also showed me the CT Scan, which mean I got to see the stone. It is 6 mm and is not passable. He also said none of the test results he had seen showed any sign of a kidney infection. He sent me to have a ultrasound, which came back normal and then did a stomach x-ray. Since then, a few other things have happen that have become a little concerning.
A week after that, on a Thursday, I had a HIDA Scan. This was to test the functions of the liver, gallbladder, and such in that area. It sounded simple and not very intimidating. I was to fast for 4 hours, go in and sit under a scan camera for almost two hours, while they injected a tracer, waited, and then a flush. I wasn't very comfortable to begin with, but as soon as the flush entered my system, the pain was intense. There was a point I was in tears because of pain. However, it was comforting because I could feel they strength of the prayers that were being offered on my account. However, today I got a phone call from the Urology department saying that the test came back normal. They said the next step is to wait for the Gastro doctor, which isn't until mid-February, unless there is a cancellation.
What happens next is not in my hands. I am trusting that there is a reason I am going through this pain and I know that whatever happens next is the Lord's will. Do I get discouraged? You bet. This pain is not normal for me. and not getting answers is hard. However, I am okay with whatever that may be. If this is a something that I need to struggle with for a while, then so be it. I know that I am in good hands and that whatever happens, is for a reason. I will take whatever it is and run with it as much as I can. They key is to make the best out of every situation.
I want to thank you all for the outpouring of help that I have received. There have been so many people (I won't name them all because I am sure that I'd forget someone) who have been supports. There have been visits, food, blankets, meds, prayers, flowers, books, movies, CDs, cards, candles, candies, texts, and so much more. Each and every single one of these things has made this a little easier to go through. As an independent, stubborn person, it has been so humbling to ask for help, receive help, and admit that I can't do this alone. Each of you have been helpful, whether you have known it or not. Just knowing there are good people in the world makes life so much better. Your good thoughts and prayers help. Please keep sending them.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
What I've Learned About Myself
The past week has been pretty difficult for me. (What a positive way to start a post, I know). It is said that hard times challenge us, change us and teach us things we've never known. Well, I have learned a lot. Some of these things I already knew, but we re-taught this week.
- I'm stubborn
- Not feeling well gives me crazy dreams
- I have such amazing family and friends
- Movies and books get old after a while
- Seeing little kids makes me smile, even when I'm in pain
- I don't drink enough liquids
- I try to put on a face that I'm ok, even when I'm not
- Asking for help is hard for me to do
- There are so many people out there who care and want to help
- I'm spoiled
- Prescriptions make me feel blah sometimes
- Other times, they actually help
- Heavenly Father is so mindful of me and my situation
- I'm pretty loopy and entertaining on pain meds
- I'm falling apart
- The pictures on the CT machine, kind of make me laugh.
- Heated blankets at the hospital are new favorite
- My "Peanut Gallery" make waiting for help/diagnosis/whatever so much more entertaining
- Me + Texting in the ER = Not Good = I don't like doing it
- Some meds make me tired
There has been more I've learned, but these are the ones I am processing right now. After reading this, you may need a bit of an explanation. Without to much information or too many specifics, I have been in pain for over a week. In the previous post I mentioned being on IVs and all. Well, we ended up changing the prescription, but the pain didn't stop. Friday night, I had the worst pain of my life. However, due to my stubbornness, I didn't go to the ER. Yesterday the pain was not the worst ever status, but still awful. My friend took me to the ER, where they did blood work, catheters, CT scans and gave me some crazy pain meds. Needless to say, we don't have all the answers yet, just a few of them. I'm grateful to know what I do and look forward to finding out more on Wednesday.
This has taught me a lot and showed me ways I need to be better. Still climbing in this battle, so I'm sure there is more to learn, but am grateful for what I have learned and for ALL the help I have received. I couldn't do anything with all of you, and your good thoughts and prayers.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Happy New Year!!!
I have high hopes for this year. I'm seriously excited for 2014. So much happened in 2013 that made it a tough year. It was also a year of great growth. I learned a lot about myself and learned so many ways that I could be better and do better in all areas. It is quite exciting to learn these things.
With that, setting goals (which is something I've struggled with in the past) was easy. I have a few things that I want to change and things I want to be better. They are personal and so I won't share them, but I am focusing on the things that I can control.
After the first few days, I had high hopes. Things were going well. I was feeling good. Progress was being made. I was truly happy. I got back in to the swing of babysitting. It was so fun. With one family, we even had a pajama party and the kids were so well behaved. We built with legos, had a dance party, decorated paper pillow cases, had a great lunch and more. Yes, if this was any sign, 2014 is going to be great.
The past few days have been a bit more challenging.I was excited because every year I get the first two Saturdays off at the temple, due to cleaning schedules, so I get to sleep in. Little did I realize what was about to hit. I was in pain all day and didn't really leave the couch. The other things I wanted to do, did not get done. When I woke up Sunday, the pain was still there and added nausea. Needless to say, it was an awful day and I began to recognize some of the symptoms. They were similar to something I had a lot growing up, but the pain made me think it had progressed more.
I went to to doctor this morning. My heart rate was really high, I was dehydrated, and the I was correct on the other part of the diagnosis. I was doing so fantastic that the doctor put me on IVs to add hydration, get me some medication and hopefully bring the heart rate down. Two hours later and two bags of fluids later, I was re-evaluated and they said I was fine to go home with instructions to take meds, drink lots of liquids, not to do much of anything except walk around a bit, and rest. We are still awaiting results on two tests, which may cause medications to be change or more tests, but it is a step in the right direction. :)
Yep, that's right. I'm not too discouraged about this. Things like this happen and it is not going to stop me from making 2014 better than 2013. In fact, maybe this will get the blahness out early. I have realized how much optimism can help in these situations. I found it coming out naturally as a nurse came in to check on my fluids, she and I started joking around a bit. It made sitting in a dark room in a doctor's office so much more bearable.
I have not given up on 2014. It is still going to be a great year and can't wait to see what new adventures come up this year. Happy New Year! May it be so full of happiness and joy and love and peace and adventures!
With that, setting goals (which is something I've struggled with in the past) was easy. I have a few things that I want to change and things I want to be better. They are personal and so I won't share them, but I am focusing on the things that I can control.
After the first few days, I had high hopes. Things were going well. I was feeling good. Progress was being made. I was truly happy. I got back in to the swing of babysitting. It was so fun. With one family, we even had a pajama party and the kids were so well behaved. We built with legos, had a dance party, decorated paper pillow cases, had a great lunch and more. Yes, if this was any sign, 2014 is going to be great.
The past few days have been a bit more challenging.I was excited because every year I get the first two Saturdays off at the temple, due to cleaning schedules, so I get to sleep in. Little did I realize what was about to hit. I was in pain all day and didn't really leave the couch. The other things I wanted to do, did not get done. When I woke up Sunday, the pain was still there and added nausea. Needless to say, it was an awful day and I began to recognize some of the symptoms. They were similar to something I had a lot growing up, but the pain made me think it had progressed more.
I went to to doctor this morning. My heart rate was really high, I was dehydrated, and the I was correct on the other part of the diagnosis. I was doing so fantastic that the doctor put me on IVs to add hydration, get me some medication and hopefully bring the heart rate down. Two hours later and two bags of fluids later, I was re-evaluated and they said I was fine to go home with instructions to take meds, drink lots of liquids, not to do much of anything except walk around a bit, and rest. We are still awaiting results on two tests, which may cause medications to be change or more tests, but it is a step in the right direction. :)
Yep, that's right. I'm not too discouraged about this. Things like this happen and it is not going to stop me from making 2014 better than 2013. In fact, maybe this will get the blahness out early. I have realized how much optimism can help in these situations. I found it coming out naturally as a nurse came in to check on my fluids, she and I started joking around a bit. It made sitting in a dark room in a doctor's office so much more bearable.
I have not given up on 2014. It is still going to be a great year and can't wait to see what new adventures come up this year. Happy New Year! May it be so full of happiness and joy and love and peace and adventures!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
30 Days of Gratitude
Many people, throughout the month of November, post daily on Facebook about things for which they are grateful. I am a fan of focusing on gratitude, but I thought I would do it my own way. There are some traditional ones, but I wanted to keep them unique too. Here is My Thankful List.
NOVEMBER 1, 2013
Cough medicine that lets me get a few more hours of sleep.
Studio C that adds some comedy to a sick day.
Wonderful people who help me do things that I really can't do.
NOVEMBER 2, 2013
Friends who force me to eat, even when I really don't want to.
Opportunities to be happy and laugh when I am not feeling well.
NOVEMBER 3, 2013
Amazing messages of motivation from stake conference and the CES fireside.
Getting my appetite back.
NOVEMBER 4, 2013
Cute little kids. I coughed while watching a little boy. He looked at and said in his sweetest voice, "Bless you Whitney". Adorable!!! Totally made my day.
Random experiences. For examples, that moment you are listening to instrumental version of the battle on Beauty and the Beast and through the window on your back door you see someone climbing a ladder. You feel like you are in the movie for a moment, only to realize that is one of the guys working on the roof.
NOVEMBER 5, 2013
Our weekly mutual activity and homemade mashed potatoes.
Knowing that people want me to work for them, even though I can't.
NOVEMBER 6, 2013
Noodles - Enough said
Amazing Roommate who makes me laugh. :)
NOVEMBER 7, 2013
Great brotherly advice
Accomplishing everything on my list of things to do.
NOVEMBER 8, 2013
Staying busy
Good friends from younger years. So glad we can stay friends even though we're in different situations in life and in different places.
NOVEMBER 9, 2013
Smells that are comforting
Opportunities to meet new people and feel social.
NOVEMBER 10, 2013
Primary Programs
Walks with friends on nice November nights
Planning random road trips
NOVEMBER 11, 2013
All the veterans, especially my Grandpa Parkin
Playing in the leaves with a cute little girl, making me feel like a kid again! :)
NOVEMBER 12, 2013
The wonderful people I serve with who I can also call friends.
Feeling the spirit.
Being told that the program you helped put together was the best one someone had ever been too.
NOVEMBER 13, 2013
Roommate dates in the middle of a crazy week.
Watching a favorite movie and being able to quote lines and songs (Today's favorite: Hercules!)
NOVEMBER 14, 2013
My amazing voice therapist who has helped me in so many ways.
Good talks with the most amazing sister!
NOVEMBER 15, 2013
Temple time with amazing friends.
Authentic Mexican food.
NOVEMBER 16, 2013
Miracles!
Getting mail and thinking it may be bad news, only to find that it is great news!
NOVEMBER 17, 2013
Spiritually uplifting days.
Hilary Weeks.
NOVEMBER 18, 2013
A full day of work
Good workouts
NOVEMBER 19, 2013
Random fits of laughter
Good news about Thanksgiving
NOVEMBER 20, 2013
Service opportunities
Real mashed potatoes
NOVEMBER 21, 2013
My sister and brother. (They are pretty much awesome)!
Online typing tests
NOVEMBER 22,2013
Opportunities for income
Cute little kids who make me smile
NOVEMBER 23, 2013
Polynesian dancing by kids
Sister Jensen, my friend and laughter source in the temple!
NOVEMBER 24, 2013
The wonderful friends in my ward.
Time Out For Women
NOVEMBER 25, 2013
New adventures of driving mini-vans
Little answers to prayers
NOVEMBER 26, 2013
Visit from a former young woman back from college
Private dance party for myself while cleaning and cooking
NOVEMBER 27, 2013
Progress!!!
The patience, support, & help from everyone at Intermountain Voice & Swallowing Center who have been there during this whole experience.
NOVEMBER 28, 2013
Being with my family and enjoying their company.
My family
Quiet moments of pondering.
NOVEMBER 29, 2013
Priesthood Blessings
Good books that pull you in immediately
NOVEMBER 30, 2013
Projects
My favorite sweat pants
The Atonement
NOVEMBER 1, 2013
Cough medicine that lets me get a few more hours of sleep.
Studio C that adds some comedy to a sick day.
Wonderful people who help me do things that I really can't do.
NOVEMBER 2, 2013
Friends who force me to eat, even when I really don't want to.
Opportunities to be happy and laugh when I am not feeling well.
NOVEMBER 3, 2013
Amazing messages of motivation from stake conference and the CES fireside.
Getting my appetite back.
NOVEMBER 4, 2013
Cute little kids. I coughed while watching a little boy. He looked at and said in his sweetest voice, "Bless you Whitney". Adorable!!! Totally made my day.
Random experiences. For examples, that moment you are listening to instrumental version of the battle on Beauty and the Beast and through the window on your back door you see someone climbing a ladder. You feel like you are in the movie for a moment, only to realize that is one of the guys working on the roof.
NOVEMBER 5, 2013
Our weekly mutual activity and homemade mashed potatoes.
Knowing that people want me to work for them, even though I can't.
NOVEMBER 6, 2013
Noodles - Enough said
Amazing Roommate who makes me laugh. :)
NOVEMBER 7, 2013
Great brotherly advice
Accomplishing everything on my list of things to do.
NOVEMBER 8, 2013
Staying busy
Good friends from younger years. So glad we can stay friends even though we're in different situations in life and in different places.
NOVEMBER 9, 2013
Smells that are comforting
Opportunities to meet new people and feel social.
NOVEMBER 10, 2013
Primary Programs
Walks with friends on nice November nights
Planning random road trips
NOVEMBER 11, 2013
All the veterans, especially my Grandpa Parkin
Playing in the leaves with a cute little girl, making me feel like a kid again! :)
NOVEMBER 12, 2013
The wonderful people I serve with who I can also call friends.
Feeling the spirit.
Being told that the program you helped put together was the best one someone had ever been too.
NOVEMBER 13, 2013
Roommate dates in the middle of a crazy week.
Watching a favorite movie and being able to quote lines and songs (Today's favorite: Hercules!)
NOVEMBER 14, 2013
My amazing voice therapist who has helped me in so many ways.
Good talks with the most amazing sister!
NOVEMBER 15, 2013
Temple time with amazing friends.
Authentic Mexican food.
NOVEMBER 16, 2013
Miracles!
Getting mail and thinking it may be bad news, only to find that it is great news!
NOVEMBER 17, 2013
Spiritually uplifting days.
Hilary Weeks.
NOVEMBER 18, 2013
A full day of work
Good workouts
NOVEMBER 19, 2013
Random fits of laughter
Good news about Thanksgiving
NOVEMBER 20, 2013
Service opportunities
Real mashed potatoes
NOVEMBER 21, 2013
My sister and brother. (They are pretty much awesome)!
Online typing tests
NOVEMBER 22,2013
Opportunities for income
Cute little kids who make me smile
NOVEMBER 23, 2013
Polynesian dancing by kids
Sister Jensen, my friend and laughter source in the temple!
NOVEMBER 24, 2013
The wonderful friends in my ward.
Time Out For Women
NOVEMBER 25, 2013
New adventures of driving mini-vans
Little answers to prayers
NOVEMBER 26, 2013
Visit from a former young woman back from college
Private dance party for myself while cleaning and cooking
NOVEMBER 27, 2013
Progress!!!
The patience, support, & help from everyone at Intermountain Voice & Swallowing Center who have been there during this whole experience.
NOVEMBER 28, 2013
Being with my family and enjoying their company.
My family
Quiet moments of pondering.
NOVEMBER 29, 2013
Priesthood Blessings
Good books that pull you in immediately
NOVEMBER 30, 2013
Projects
My favorite sweat pants
The Atonement
Monday, November 18, 2013
A Crazy Busy Week
Have you ever wondered what a crazy-busy week is like? We've all had them, I'm sure. However, this past week was one of those where I wondered if I would ever stop or rest. Here is what happened in my week (Sunday to Sunday), in no particular order.
- Babysat a couple of times for a few different people
- Crafted name card displays
- Church
- Visiting Teaching
- Meeting
- Gather and find costumes
- Cake consulting
- Night of Excellence preparations
- Night of Excellence
- Cleaning
- Respite work
- Helped a Friend
- Grocery Shopping
- Roommate Date
- Therapy for fake (wrong place)
- Therapy for real
- Bank
- Chauffeur for a few young women
- Logan temple for initiatories
- Salt Lake temple for the same
- Worked at the Logan temple
- Made brownies
- Ice Cream Party with friends
- Girl's Night with High School Friends
- Make 2 different kinds of soup
- Attending my friend's talk in her YSA ward
- Luncheon
- Attending my friend's talk in her family ward
- Tithing Settlement
- Fireside
- Help a Family
- Home Teachers
- Watched Tangled and Hercules
- Workouts
There was probably more, but I really don't remember. What I do know is was a crazy, crazy week. It brought many miracles and good things. It was emotional. It was fun. It was exhausting. It was productive. It was long. It is over!
Monday, October 28, 2013
5 Months
In the matter of 5 months, my life has changed drastically in almost every single aspect. I cannot begin to share every way that it has changed. On May 28th, I got sick. It didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary. After a few days, I started feeling better. However, a week later, I still hadn't gotten my voice back and hadn't really seen any improvements. One of my co-workers called an ENT office and set up an appointment for me that Friday. I didn't think it was necessary, but looking back, I'm glad she did. Since that day, 5 months ago, I have not had a voice.
It has definitely been one of the hardest times in my life. There is no denying that. I could not communicate with my family very well because I did not have a computer and could not talk. Texting was the best I could do. I cut myself off from being around friends and social settings because I figured no one wanted to be around someone without a voice and I didn't want to be embarrassed by my lack of voice. I was convinced that I could get through it on my own and that I didn't need help, because I'm an independent person. I put on a strong face in public. However, in the privacy of my own home, it was a different story. I didn't want people to see that side. I didn't want to appear weak.
This has been one of the most life-changing events of my life. There are many instances in my life where I can look back and see what has inspired little changes, but this one has changed me in so many ways.
One of the biggest things that I have had to do is to learn to ask for help. I am so grateful for the numerous friends, family members, and ward members, who encouraged me to do so and were there for me when I truly needed them. There have been so many people who have been my interpreters, ran errands for me, were patient with me and my voice, and so much more. It is still not something I am completely comfortable doing, but it has become easier.
Through this trial, many other trials came. It was almost as if all I had was being taken from me in one way or another. My strength wavered and I began to wonder if I would amount to anything or ever be able to do anything that I had felt were right or inspired to do at earlier stages of my life. However, within the past few weeks, an overwhelming peace has come over me letting me know that life is good, I am doing what I need to be doing, and that this is happening for a greater reason than I realize. This is necessary.
In Young Womens, we focus a lot on our Divine Nature. The one thing that kept me going was knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and was so mindful of me in this situation. There were so many low points where I would be sobbing and a friend would show up at my door, or I would get a text, or someone would send me a message. I didn't ask for those, they just happened. He was so aware of what I was needing, because He knows me. It didn't make sense to me, for a while, why he would care so much, but I know it is because I am His daughter and he truly desires me to be happy.
We also teach the girls about their Individual Worth. I struggled with my self-esteem, wondering how anyone could stand to be around me, not feeling like the Whitney I was before all of this, doubting my strengths and talents, and inwardly beating myself up when others were succeeding and I was not in any way, shape or form. One day, after a good, but rough, therapy session, I came home and started crying. A dear friend came over and talked with me for a couple hours and helped me to see things differently. I came to realize that, on top of the abilities I had before, I was developing strengths that I had never realized. This has shown me not only who I am but what I have the potential of becoming.
On Saturday, I was listening a great lady talk and she said something about have a great support system that is also like a family, though we may or may not be related. It is so incredibly true. I have felt the prayers of so many people. The kind words have been humbling and the support is indescribable. My family has been great. They are my support and my rock. It is a blessing to have had them to turn to when things seemed impossible. I remember one of my homework assignments was to call my parents. It was such a difficult thing, but they were so patient an loving. My temple family has been so supportive and found ways to allow me to keep serving without a voice. My friend family has really stepped up and shown me that even though I prefer helping others, it is okay to ask for help and they will be there to help me. Thank you everyone!
I have learned that I can do hard things. Also, I know that when trials come, a way will be provided to endure them. I cannot count the times these things have happened and I have been blessed in ways I could not even imagine. Blessings come from trials. I know this for a fact. It is hard to see those blessing sometimes and often times we do not recognize them until they are hindsight, but it is so true.
Yes, the past 5 months have been hard. There is no denying that. They have also been filled with so many experiences that have changed me. I am not the same person I was 5 months ago. I've changed for sure. Sometimes I struggle recognizing myself because of all the changes that have taken place. It is then that I remind myself I am being molded in to something greater. I am being blessed.
This is not the end. There is still more to accomplish before the voice in completely back. There will still be therapy sessions. I will still have hard days. There is still more to learn. However, I know that this is happening for a reason and that some day I will see it. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure when, but it will come. I've been so blessed up to this point and I know more blessings are awaiting. Thank you all again for all of your love and support. :)
It has definitely been one of the hardest times in my life. There is no denying that. I could not communicate with my family very well because I did not have a computer and could not talk. Texting was the best I could do. I cut myself off from being around friends and social settings because I figured no one wanted to be around someone without a voice and I didn't want to be embarrassed by my lack of voice. I was convinced that I could get through it on my own and that I didn't need help, because I'm an independent person. I put on a strong face in public. However, in the privacy of my own home, it was a different story. I didn't want people to see that side. I didn't want to appear weak.
This has been one of the most life-changing events of my life. There are many instances in my life where I can look back and see what has inspired little changes, but this one has changed me in so many ways.
One of the biggest things that I have had to do is to learn to ask for help. I am so grateful for the numerous friends, family members, and ward members, who encouraged me to do so and were there for me when I truly needed them. There have been so many people who have been my interpreters, ran errands for me, were patient with me and my voice, and so much more. It is still not something I am completely comfortable doing, but it has become easier.
Through this trial, many other trials came. It was almost as if all I had was being taken from me in one way or another. My strength wavered and I began to wonder if I would amount to anything or ever be able to do anything that I had felt were right or inspired to do at earlier stages of my life. However, within the past few weeks, an overwhelming peace has come over me letting me know that life is good, I am doing what I need to be doing, and that this is happening for a greater reason than I realize. This is necessary.
In Young Womens, we focus a lot on our Divine Nature. The one thing that kept me going was knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and was so mindful of me in this situation. There were so many low points where I would be sobbing and a friend would show up at my door, or I would get a text, or someone would send me a message. I didn't ask for those, they just happened. He was so aware of what I was needing, because He knows me. It didn't make sense to me, for a while, why he would care so much, but I know it is because I am His daughter and he truly desires me to be happy.
We also teach the girls about their Individual Worth. I struggled with my self-esteem, wondering how anyone could stand to be around me, not feeling like the Whitney I was before all of this, doubting my strengths and talents, and inwardly beating myself up when others were succeeding and I was not in any way, shape or form. One day, after a good, but rough, therapy session, I came home and started crying. A dear friend came over and talked with me for a couple hours and helped me to see things differently. I came to realize that, on top of the abilities I had before, I was developing strengths that I had never realized. This has shown me not only who I am but what I have the potential of becoming.
On Saturday, I was listening a great lady talk and she said something about have a great support system that is also like a family, though we may or may not be related. It is so incredibly true. I have felt the prayers of so many people. The kind words have been humbling and the support is indescribable. My family has been great. They are my support and my rock. It is a blessing to have had them to turn to when things seemed impossible. I remember one of my homework assignments was to call my parents. It was such a difficult thing, but they were so patient an loving. My temple family has been so supportive and found ways to allow me to keep serving without a voice. My friend family has really stepped up and shown me that even though I prefer helping others, it is okay to ask for help and they will be there to help me. Thank you everyone!
I have learned that I can do hard things. Also, I know that when trials come, a way will be provided to endure them. I cannot count the times these things have happened and I have been blessed in ways I could not even imagine. Blessings come from trials. I know this for a fact. It is hard to see those blessing sometimes and often times we do not recognize them until they are hindsight, but it is so true.
Yes, the past 5 months have been hard. There is no denying that. They have also been filled with so many experiences that have changed me. I am not the same person I was 5 months ago. I've changed for sure. Sometimes I struggle recognizing myself because of all the changes that have taken place. It is then that I remind myself I am being molded in to something greater. I am being blessed.
This is not the end. There is still more to accomplish before the voice in completely back. There will still be therapy sessions. I will still have hard days. There is still more to learn. However, I know that this is happening for a reason and that some day I will see it. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure when, but it will come. I've been so blessed up to this point and I know more blessings are awaiting. Thank you all again for all of your love and support. :)
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Chutes and Ladders, Slides, & Roller Coasters
Oh to be a child again. Those truly were the days. Don't get me wrong, being independent and all has its perks, but the care-free sensation of being a kid is very appealing sometimes. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I've never quite felt like I was ready to "grow up". I'm seriously still a kid at heart. This is probably pretty evident when my nephews and my nieces continually tell me how silly I am.
On of my favorite games growing up was Chutes and Ladders. I remember constantly landing on the chutes for sneaking cookies and ice skating on thin ice. I would always hope for the ladder which help the kitten out of the tree, but usually ended up getting the paying for a friend to go to a movie ladder. Pretty sure I realized it then, but it makes more sense now, how much that game was really teaching while we played. Good choices lift you up. Bad choices bring you down.
I Love Slides! To this day, when I am at a park, I want to go down the slides. In fact, I worked at a day care for a while. During that time, we would go to different parks. I made it my self-appointed job to test all of the slides to see which one was the best. Some were slow. Others were made of metal, so they got hot easy. Some were covered. Some had twists and turns. Some had bumps. One of my favorites had a couple of twists and a few little bumps.
Roller Coasters weren't a huge part of my childhood. I was too scared to try them. Don't get me wrong, I've been on a few. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, at Lagoon, I branched out and tried a new one, which was kind of scary for me. I'm not a huge fan of the big drops and crazy turns, in ways, but I will admit that it really was fun. After we finished the ride, I got off thinking that I had faced a fear (not completely, because there are still roller coasters that I will not ride) and accomplished something to prove that.
You are probably thinking, what does this all have to do with each other. Or maybe you are asking yourself why I am sharing this with you. There is a reason. If you look and each of these memories, they all relate to my life these past couple of months, but especially this past week. There have been ups and down, chutes and ladders, twists, turns, bumps, dips, drops and more.
Therapy is going well. One day, I had what my therapist called a breakthrough, though looking back, I would call it more of a breakdown, but it was a step in the right directions. We heard my natural voice (though still very quiet) and it came out with very little effort. I was so excited at first and still am, but then the breakdown occurred. I was so confused. My therapist, who is amazing, explained that it is completely normal and a good thing. At my next session and since then, I have been able to get some decent voice, but am still working through the issues that the breakdown brought up.
Without too many more details (because you know that you really don't want to be bored with my life and stories) there have been so many chutes this week. Basically, my life is completely different in almost every way, with the exception that I still don't have a voice and do still have stomach issues, along with a few other things. Some of them felt like major drops on a roller coaster (remember I'm not a fan of those) and some have just been little bumps or twists and turns. It has been difficult to makes sense of all of this, but even harder to realize that I need to make the best of whatever situation comes about.
On the other hand, I have been blessed to see the ladders too. Some good has come from these situations, even though it has not been the easiest to recognize and even more difficult to make sense of. I'm so blessed with wonderful people in my life from the friend who spent one evening letting me just cry to her and then indulging in brownies and ice cream afterwards, to the countless friends and family members who have offered prayers in my behalf, to those who have helped my find a place where I fit. There are those who have sent me texts of encouragement. Many have offered and asked how they can help. I cannot begin to show my gratitude for all of these blessings
For the first time in a while, I have felt peace. Peace telling me that I will be fine. Everything is working according to a greater plan than mine. I am on the path I need to be on at this time. Conference has helped. There is still so much to figure out. There are so many decisions to make and paths to explore. The small moments of peace, feeling relaxed and actually beginning to feel and act like myself, have all been tender mercies.
It brings me back to the care-free days of youth, when my biggest worries were: "What park has the best slide?" (Maybe that wasn't so long ago) or "Will I land on the square that will take me down the chute that I have been trying to avoid?" Those were the days for sure. I didn't have to worry about the adult issues in life and got to focus on enjoying life. Maybe that is the key right there: To enjoy life, no matter what circumstances are brought to you, because you have faith and trust that things are going to work out. We are told to become like children, trusting and humble. That is my goal right now.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go to a park to play on the slides. :)
On of my favorite games growing up was Chutes and Ladders. I remember constantly landing on the chutes for sneaking cookies and ice skating on thin ice. I would always hope for the ladder which help the kitten out of the tree, but usually ended up getting the paying for a friend to go to a movie ladder. Pretty sure I realized it then, but it makes more sense now, how much that game was really teaching while we played. Good choices lift you up. Bad choices bring you down.
I Love Slides! To this day, when I am at a park, I want to go down the slides. In fact, I worked at a day care for a while. During that time, we would go to different parks. I made it my self-appointed job to test all of the slides to see which one was the best. Some were slow. Others were made of metal, so they got hot easy. Some were covered. Some had twists and turns. Some had bumps. One of my favorites had a couple of twists and a few little bumps.
Roller Coasters weren't a huge part of my childhood. I was too scared to try them. Don't get me wrong, I've been on a few. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, at Lagoon, I branched out and tried a new one, which was kind of scary for me. I'm not a huge fan of the big drops and crazy turns, in ways, but I will admit that it really was fun. After we finished the ride, I got off thinking that I had faced a fear (not completely, because there are still roller coasters that I will not ride) and accomplished something to prove that.
You are probably thinking, what does this all have to do with each other. Or maybe you are asking yourself why I am sharing this with you. There is a reason. If you look and each of these memories, they all relate to my life these past couple of months, but especially this past week. There have been ups and down, chutes and ladders, twists, turns, bumps, dips, drops and more.
Therapy is going well. One day, I had what my therapist called a breakthrough, though looking back, I would call it more of a breakdown, but it was a step in the right directions. We heard my natural voice (though still very quiet) and it came out with very little effort. I was so excited at first and still am, but then the breakdown occurred. I was so confused. My therapist, who is amazing, explained that it is completely normal and a good thing. At my next session and since then, I have been able to get some decent voice, but am still working through the issues that the breakdown brought up.
Without too many more details (because you know that you really don't want to be bored with my life and stories) there have been so many chutes this week. Basically, my life is completely different in almost every way, with the exception that I still don't have a voice and do still have stomach issues, along with a few other things. Some of them felt like major drops on a roller coaster (remember I'm not a fan of those) and some have just been little bumps or twists and turns. It has been difficult to makes sense of all of this, but even harder to realize that I need to make the best of whatever situation comes about.
On the other hand, I have been blessed to see the ladders too. Some good has come from these situations, even though it has not been the easiest to recognize and even more difficult to make sense of. I'm so blessed with wonderful people in my life from the friend who spent one evening letting me just cry to her and then indulging in brownies and ice cream afterwards, to the countless friends and family members who have offered prayers in my behalf, to those who have helped my find a place where I fit. There are those who have sent me texts of encouragement. Many have offered and asked how they can help. I cannot begin to show my gratitude for all of these blessings
For the first time in a while, I have felt peace. Peace telling me that I will be fine. Everything is working according to a greater plan than mine. I am on the path I need to be on at this time. Conference has helped. There is still so much to figure out. There are so many decisions to make and paths to explore. The small moments of peace, feeling relaxed and actually beginning to feel and act like myself, have all been tender mercies.
It brings me back to the care-free days of youth, when my biggest worries were: "What park has the best slide?" (Maybe that wasn't so long ago) or "Will I land on the square that will take me down the chute that I have been trying to avoid?" Those were the days for sure. I didn't have to worry about the adult issues in life and got to focus on enjoying life. Maybe that is the key right there: To enjoy life, no matter what circumstances are brought to you, because you have faith and trust that things are going to work out. We are told to become like children, trusting and humble. That is my goal right now.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go to a park to play on the slides. :)
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