As I was getting ready to leave town on Sunday evening, I crossed paths with an old neighbor. She and I began to talk and she asked how living in the new place was. I could not think of an answer right away. She shared her own experience about moving and not knowing why, and how she did find out why until later. She shared the saying, "When one door closes, another door opens". While I believe that is true, what she said next made so much more sense. She said that after the door, sometimes there is a hall before you get to the next door. I definitely feel like I'm in a hall and am really looking forward to finding the next door.
However, I want to use this post to focus on the memories, times, and people that have been so important these past five years. I cannot even begin to explain my feelings. There have been exciting moments. There were definitely hard times. I can honestly say the hardest times I have ever been through in my life took place there. However, many amazing and rewarding experiences happened there as well. I learned more about myself and who I truly am and want to become. I discovered new passion, hobbies and skills. This was definitely a time for molding. I am happy with who I have become.
It is strange how a place where I lived for five years, truly became my home. Going to Poky was home too, but when I was there and headed back, saying I was heading home, truly felt right. Many people wondered how it was home, without my family. It was because the people there became my family. I was blessed with so many different families and amazing friends too. My ward family, my temple family, my work family, and more. I would love to start listing names, but cannot. It would take too much space and I would leave someone out who meant so much to me. Plus, I really do not want to bore you. Just know, if you lived there, you most likely made a huge impact on me,
I have so many fond memories. Here are some of the fun ones (there have been so many). I enjoyed many hikes on may trails, Girls Camp (3 years!!!), movie nights in the park, fireworks, country dancing, mutual activities, exploring adventures, boating, Oompa Loompa dancing, random, crazy moments with roommates, volleyball games. acting out songs, singing and dancing to Spice Girls (who doesn't love them), potlucks, find raisers, Girl's Nights, working at the temple, amazing walks with great people, great runs, cave exploring, gelato, meeting and playing with kids, babysitting, my young women, the amazing leaders I've served with, the beautiful sunsets, and so much more.
I remember when I was moving into my first place, I had parked my car, unloaded it and attempted to organize it. I was in the house for 40 minutes, at the most. When I came out, there was a boot on my car. It wasn't the best start to this new experience. Thankfully, things got better, though parking was an interesting issue. In the past five years, I have had 7 roommates and lived in 4 different places. Crazy, right? I have been in three different wards, held 6 or 7 callings, I was associated with a non-profit organization for three years.
Life was not perfect, but I always had a support system there for me as I went through more health challenges than I care to remember. I've been told a couple of times that I should be done until I am at least 60 or maybe even 80. I could not have done this alone.
When I decided to attend a family ward, in stead of a YSA ward, I was worried that I was setting my self up to be friendless. However, my friends were still by my side, I made more friends, and, after my call into young womens, the girls became my friends. In all my callings, the people have served with have become some of my dearest friends.
I remember driving into the valley, from all directions and always looking for the temple first (It's beautiful and definitely my favorite, by far) and then Old Main to see if the A was blue. I remember looking out windows and off hills and mountains, thinking how beautiful the valley and all of the creations really are.
As I drove out of the valley, after two days of tears, my mind was flooded with memories and pictures of so many people, places, events and more. Certain places remind me of certain people or experiences. My heart was filled with gratitude for each. I offered a prayer of gratitude for the many wonderful things and that I will never forget these times. My eyes filled with tears.
Whether it be with a smile, or a kind word, or a fun night, or a serious and meaning conversation, those meant the world to me. Every act of service offered, was a blessing. I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done. I will miss you all so much and I will miss living in Logan.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The Crazy Life of Me!
Life has been so insanely crazy lately and with reason. It's been an adventure. Since I finally have a minute, and finally have internet, here are some of the details.
I'm healthy, FINALLY!!! I had my post-op appointment and was told that everything looked good. It was recommended to make a few changes in my diet. All in all, I am so grateful that the craziness of surgeries is over. My stomach still is my stomach, but that has become a norm.
I am employed! I started a new job on July 15th. It is definitely a new experience. Through my therapy and job hunting, I have learned the importance of making sure it is the right job and not overdoing things. I know my boundaries and have to be honest with myself and my employer and co-workers.
On top of that, I moved. This isn't one of the small moves from one apartment to another. It was from one city to another. The interesting part is that I did not have a place to live when the job started. At the end of my first week, I had a place, but couldn't move in until the first weekend of August. I am so grateful for the people who have helped me move things, or let me stay with them and helped keep me calm.
I have also been commuting on the weekends and have one more weekend left, so that I can finish up things at the temple, with moving, with my calling and see everyone I want before I am not there as frequently.
During all this, my brother graduated from college. We were able to all be together as a family and go up to Rexburg. I am so proud of him and this accomplishment. After he was finished, we were talking with one of his professors and he said that we would be seeing big things from Brady in the future. I couldn't agree more.
I'm healthy, FINALLY!!! I had my post-op appointment and was told that everything looked good. It was recommended to make a few changes in my diet. All in all, I am so grateful that the craziness of surgeries is over. My stomach still is my stomach, but that has become a norm.
I am employed! I started a new job on July 15th. It is definitely a new experience. Through my therapy and job hunting, I have learned the importance of making sure it is the right job and not overdoing things. I know my boundaries and have to be honest with myself and my employer and co-workers.
On top of that, I moved. This isn't one of the small moves from one apartment to another. It was from one city to another. The interesting part is that I did not have a place to live when the job started. At the end of my first week, I had a place, but couldn't move in until the first weekend of August. I am so grateful for the people who have helped me move things, or let me stay with them and helped keep me calm.
I have also been commuting on the weekends and have one more weekend left, so that I can finish up things at the temple, with moving, with my calling and see everyone I want before I am not there as frequently.
During all this, my brother graduated from college. We were able to all be together as a family and go up to Rexburg. I am so proud of him and this accomplishment. After he was finished, we were talking with one of his professors and he said that we would be seeing big things from Brady in the future. I couldn't agree more.
On top of all of this I have had reunions with different friends who are amazing. I attended a concert, drove a Uhaul, and made friends with 3 little boys by speaking Spanish to them. I also traveled to my sister's house, with my parents, for Independence Day. I'm sure there is more that I have done, but these are the main things. :)
Sunday, August 3, 2014
My Dear Grandpa
My warrior of a grandpa passed away on June 5, 2014. He lived a long and fulfilling life. He was very fun-spirited and loved to tease. He would serve anyone who needed help and had so much love for his family. His eyes were so full of love when they were around. Here is his obituary.
ROBERT HUGH IVEYJune 26, 1929 - June 5, 2014
Robert (Bob) Hugh Ivey, Sr., after enduring many medical conditions over the years, finally succumbed to the toll on his body passing away peacefully June 5, 2014, surrounded by his family.
Bob was born June 26, 1929 in Kansas City, Missouri. His parents were Hugh and Ellen Ivey. The family resided in Pocatello, Idaho, where Bob went to St. Joseph's Catholic School and Pocatello High School where he participated in football, track and boxing. He was an Eagle Scout. He was also a member of the Idaho National Guard for nine years.
Bob married Lonetta Larsen on February 2, 1954 in Pocatello, Idaho, and had four children; Rob Ivey (Deanna), Kim Ivey Madsen (Rock), Jacqueline Anne Parkin (Blair), and Kirk Ivey (Miriam).
Bob was an avid outdoorsman who loved to fish. He enjoyed bowling and was the president of the Pocatello Bowling Association for two years. He was also the park president of Irving Little League. His hobbies were wide and varied including golfing and carpentry. He loved to play competitive pool and even attempted a game a week before his death. He was a permanent fixture at the Senior Center and helped and participated in the Senior Games. He also loved to play cards with his family, especially Hearts, and was wickedly good at it.
Bob was a very service-oriented man. He often did house repairs for the widows in the neighborhood and has continuously performed acts of service for others throughout his life. He was smart, kind, funny and onery.
Bob was preceded in death by his wife, Lonetta Larsen Ivey, his parents, Hugh and Ellen Ivey, his siblings: James Ivey, Roberta Jean Ivey and Julia Mauk. He is survived by his four children and their spouses, his grandchildren: Brant Ivey, Christopher Ivey, Todd Ivey, Natalie Hardy (Brant), Troy Tanner (Stephanie), Jessica Albanese (Renato), Jordan Tanner, Heather Sayer (Jeremy), Whitney Parkin and Brady Parkin. He is also survived by 16 great-grandchildren. Thank you to his wonderful home helpers, Rita Elliott and Jolene Nelson, and caring staff at PMC.
Memorial services will be held on Tuesday, June 10, 2014 at 11:00 am in the Cornelison Funeral Chapel, 431 North 15th Ave., where the family will receive friends from 10 am until service time. Interment will follow services in the Mountain View Cemetery. Arrangements are under the direction of the Cornelison Funeral Home, 431 N. 15th Ave., Pocatello, 232-0542. Condolences may be sent to the family online at www.cornelisonfh.com - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/idahostatejournal/obituary.aspx?n=robert-hugh-ivey&pid=171265574#sthash.eBN1n5xB.dpuf
We would always joke around during our Sunday card game about people being "Bob" when they took too long to play. Meanwhile, he was counting cards and figuring out how to win.
This poem is something that helped me through the hard times.
His death shook me harder than I expected, as we had surgery on the same day and the surgery he had was one I had survived earlier in the year. It took me time to get over his passing, which is why this post has taken so long. I still miss him. I still wish he were here. I still wish things could be different. However, I know, without a doubt, that he is happy and with his family now. He is not suffering physically. His reunion was sweet in Heaven and I look forward to the day when I can see him again, hug him and let him know how much I love him and how much he's warrior-like strength has helped me.
Love you Grandpa. Until We Meet Again.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Atonement
Do you ever feel alone? Does discouragement ever weigh you down. Do your trials seem impossible? Have you felt the pain of disappointment? Have you made mistakes and felt incapable of making things better? Have you been stretched beyond what you can handle and wondered how you can do it alone? For most of us, the answer is a resounding "Yes" to at least one of these questions. There is help. There is relief. There is hope. There is comfort. It all comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
First, what is the Atonement? This was when Jesus Christ took upon him the sins, pains and sufferings of the world, during his time in the Garden of Gethsemane. The Atonement allows us to reconcile our lives and restore harmony and peace therein.
The budding of my testimony of the Atonement happened while I was serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Since that moment, I have had many, many more experiences that have strengthened me. Some pushed me to limits I felt like were impossible to come out of. However, in those moments, I would put the Atonement into play and the help I needed would come at a very critical moment. I know that the Atonement is real.
Sister Linda S. Reeves said "Our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, know us and love us. They know when we are in pain or suffering in any way. They do not say, "It's OK that you're in pain right now because soon everything is going to be alright. You will be healed, or your husband will find a job, or your wandering child will come back." They feel the depth of our suffering, and we can feel Their love and compassion in our suffering."
I have had the opportunity to use the Atonement quite frequently over the past 13 months, as I have struggled through many physical trials, which brought many other trials to the plate. It would have been impossible to get through all of this alone. They did not choose to heal me soon or answer the prayers of many, including mine, to restore my health at those moments. Instead, they felt my suffering and knew my pain. They sent me love and strength to get through what I needed to. They sent others to help me. They were there for me.
This had been re-confirmed in my heart and mind over the past couple weeks, as I have faced a trial that I have had no clue how to overcome and am still not sure how exactly to completely overcome. I received a blessing, which gave me assurance that our Heavenly Father is so mindful of us and our situations. It assured me that there is always help available when we need it. How can our Savior, Jesus Christ, not know how we feel, when he personally took upon him all of our pains, sufferings, afflictions, and sins? He truly knows. He did it not just for me, or for you, but for everyone!
Sister Reeves also said, "I testify that he has not forgotten you! Whatever sin or weakness or pain or struggle or trial you are going through, He know and understands those very moments. He loves you! And He will carry you through those moments, just as He did Mary and Martha. He has paid the price that He might know how to succor you. Cast your burdens upon Him. Tell your Heavenly Father how you feel. Tell him about your pain and afflictions and then give them to Him."
We do not have to go through anything alone. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will be there and want to help us with whatever trials we are going through. We are loved. We do not have to do any of this alone. We have the best support system available. It may not be easy. It may not be resolved in the way we hope or pray. However, help, strength and resolution will come.
I know that this is true. Though I do not completely understand the Atonement, I do know that we are not expected to make it through our sufferings and trials alone. I know that there is always one person who understand exactly what we are going through because our Savior experienced it all for us. We need to lean on Him and use Him, so that He may succor, lift, help and carry us through life. We do not have to be perfect to use the Atonement or get help. Using the Atonement daily in our lives will help us to become better. There is always help available to get us where we need to be. We need to ask for that help. We need to do our part. Through the Atonement, the rest of what we cannot handle will be made up for. I am so grateful for the Atonement and for my Savior, my Friend, and my Redeemer, Jesus Christ. This is my testimony.
First, what is the Atonement? This was when Jesus Christ took upon him the sins, pains and sufferings of the world, during his time in the Garden of Gethsemane. The Atonement allows us to reconcile our lives and restore harmony and peace therein.
The budding of my testimony of the Atonement happened while I was serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Since that moment, I have had many, many more experiences that have strengthened me. Some pushed me to limits I felt like were impossible to come out of. However, in those moments, I would put the Atonement into play and the help I needed would come at a very critical moment. I know that the Atonement is real.
Sister Linda S. Reeves said "Our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ, know us and love us. They know when we are in pain or suffering in any way. They do not say, "It's OK that you're in pain right now because soon everything is going to be alright. You will be healed, or your husband will find a job, or your wandering child will come back." They feel the depth of our suffering, and we can feel Their love and compassion in our suffering."
I have had the opportunity to use the Atonement quite frequently over the past 13 months, as I have struggled through many physical trials, which brought many other trials to the plate. It would have been impossible to get through all of this alone. They did not choose to heal me soon or answer the prayers of many, including mine, to restore my health at those moments. Instead, they felt my suffering and knew my pain. They sent me love and strength to get through what I needed to. They sent others to help me. They were there for me.
This had been re-confirmed in my heart and mind over the past couple weeks, as I have faced a trial that I have had no clue how to overcome and am still not sure how exactly to completely overcome. I received a blessing, which gave me assurance that our Heavenly Father is so mindful of us and our situations. It assured me that there is always help available when we need it. How can our Savior, Jesus Christ, not know how we feel, when he personally took upon him all of our pains, sufferings, afflictions, and sins? He truly knows. He did it not just for me, or for you, but for everyone!
Sister Reeves also said, "I testify that he has not forgotten you! Whatever sin or weakness or pain or struggle or trial you are going through, He know and understands those very moments. He loves you! And He will carry you through those moments, just as He did Mary and Martha. He has paid the price that He might know how to succor you. Cast your burdens upon Him. Tell your Heavenly Father how you feel. Tell him about your pain and afflictions and then give them to Him."
We do not have to go through anything alone. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will be there and want to help us with whatever trials we are going through. We are loved. We do not have to do any of this alone. We have the best support system available. It may not be easy. It may not be resolved in the way we hope or pray. However, help, strength and resolution will come.
I know that this is true. Though I do not completely understand the Atonement, I do know that we are not expected to make it through our sufferings and trials alone. I know that there is always one person who understand exactly what we are going through because our Savior experienced it all for us. We need to lean on Him and use Him, so that He may succor, lift, help and carry us through life. We do not have to be perfect to use the Atonement or get help. Using the Atonement daily in our lives will help us to become better. There is always help available to get us where we need to be. We need to ask for that help. We need to do our part. Through the Atonement, the rest of what we cannot handle will be made up for. I am so grateful for the Atonement and for my Savior, my Friend, and my Redeemer, Jesus Christ. This is my testimony.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
One Year
A lot can happen in a year's time. I remember when 2012 ended, I had basically decided it wasn't the greatest year, but it had some huge positive points. I quickly decided that 2013 would be better. I didn't realize what was ahead. At this point, I should point out that this post is a little bit of a vent and is most likely filled with frustration. It is going to be very true and is difficult for me to write without adding some sort of "life is good" comment. However, I feel like the rawness of what has happened needs to be felt. Final warning: It's a long post!!!
This took a toll on me. I wasn't keeping my self healthy, stress levels were high and I had no time or energy to do much of anything. I wasn't able to attend mutual and missed working with the girls on their Personal Progress. I had to take a new position at the temple, where my voice would not be used at all. I carried dry erase boards and little notebooks with me almost everywhere I went because it was the only way to assure I'd be heard.
My independence levels suffered. I was no longer self-sufficient in some situations. Friends would have to go with me to stores or other places to help me ask questions and make sure I could get what was needed.
Therapy was difficult. I had to relearn to breathe properly. I had to use more of my diaphragm, which was hard on my stomach. On bad stomach days, I couldn't do the exercises as well. My body placed huge stones in the path. We had to relieve tension that had been built up for a while in my neck through massage and electronic stimulation. I remember a few days of tears in therapy, which I later learned was normal.
I struggled going out in public for fear that people would try to talk to me or that I would have to try to explain this to them. I refused to be social in group settings because it would be to difficult to communicate. I felt that no one really wanted to meet someone who didn't have a voice. I didn't want to appear to be a snob and ignore people. It was embarrassing to attend church and other meetings, just to sit there and say nothing, not be able to sing, and more. I would get jokes that a spouse or children would love it if they got what I had. These were some definite low points.
There were so many annoyances and so many frustrations. Many nights, I would be in bed crying because there was no end in sight, I felt helpless, and everything else in my life seemed to be falling apart.
By October, other difficulties occurred that made the situation so much worse and made me hit more lows. Those low times were hard. However, during those hard times, there were little positives that would pop up (I stress the word little in this sentence). For example, I remember driving to therapy one day and being scared of having a rough session, like the one the day before. A song came on the radio and the words that hit me were: "Say what you want to say. Let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave." I was intrigued so I listened to words, more carefully. Though I knew it meant something different, it became my theme song to be brave, let the words come and not hold my tongue.
One day, I had a major breakdown in therapy. That session was hard on me. It was one of the "tears" days. I began to realize more and more about myself at that time. Here is what I learned from that. I keep my feelings inside. I am not good at expressing them out loud or showing my true emotions (seems ironic reading this post). I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else and don't let or like people to see my weaknesses. I am overly independent. I have a low self-image and self-esteem. This session was pretty rough. I was told to go home and write about the issues. I got home, wrote a few notes, and went off to work. By the time I got off that night, I was a mess. A dear friend came over, and we went through everything on the list. We talked for a good couple hours. She helped me more than she even realizes. (I wish she could read this but I am pretty sure she won't see it because she is an amazing missionary right now).
Things started coming more but it was still pretty slow. Slower than it normally takes. I tried to stay positive, especially in public. I began to make light of my situation. I even dressed up as a mime for Halloween. My therapy was no longer three times a week. We went down from three times a week to two times a week, to once a week, to twice a month, with one of those appointments being up where I live, and finally once a month. Progress was being made and people could tell. There were still moments of embarrassment, like when I couldn't sing Christmas carols, or when I called my Mom on her birthday and couldn't really communicate still. There are so many more.
At my appointment in December, so much progress had been made that we were going to start focusing on strengthening the voice and adding inflections in. Up to this time, I sounded pretty robotic when I talked. I was given a CD and was told to do the exercises twice a day. I did really well with those, even over Christmas break, though I didn't record my time. After I got back from Christmas, I recorded my time and it was improving. Success!!! I was optimistic for my appointment in January. However, I got sick the first weekend of January and ended up having to cancel my appointment. I was still sick in February and emailed my therapist to let her know. When March came, I was recovering from surgery and we decided to wait a bit longer. Life got away from me, and we did not start therapy back up until May.
During the May session, they were noticeable differences. I had good technique, was not really having to focus on my breathing and was smoother and stronger with the noise. I was also able to hold tones longer, which is good considering everything that I had been through in the months previous. I am not done yet though. I am doing more exercises to strengthen and work on my upper register. I am not in the clear and this will always be considered a disability in ways.
I have started Vocational Rehabilitation to find a career that will be good with my vocal issues, so they don't come back once I am back to a normal speaking voice. I have learned that not only are job interviews for the employer but the employee. I have to find the right fit. My voice is strong enough to do some things at the temple but not all. I am able to communicate better now. I have learned SO much through this experience that it is hard to put into words. It has made me a better person. It has taught me about myself and how important it is to be true to who I am and stand up for what I believe in and what is right. If I need to let me feelings out, I can write them, or exercise, or throw rocks into water, or talk them through with someone who understands. If I let them fester inside, it will do no one any good. Even though I have learned all of this, I still struggle with actually remembering and doing it.
There are still times when I struggle being around large groups of people. There are certain memories that come up when I see certain people, am in specific places and/or experience certain events. The rawness of the beginning and all the others emotions come into play. However, I never did blame this on anyone. I want to make sure this is clear. It was my fault in all areas. I am not perfect yet. There has been improvements but I still have things I need to work on.
I want to send out a HUGE thank you to everyone who has helped me through all of this. There were days I wanted to quit. There were times when I rebelled and talked when I shouldn't have. Thank you to those who let me stay with them while I was doing therapy. Thanks to the kids I babysit (and their parents) for letting me practice and for practicing with me. Sorry parents. Some of the exercises the kids couldn't get and they ended up spitting. Oops! Thank you for being understanding of why I had to text, email and message, rather than call. Thank you for making accommodations which helped me to not feel like an inconvenience and like I still had a role and purpose. Thanks for your patience, love and prayers. Thank you for accepting me with the condition. Thank you for sharing my emotions, my laughter when joking around (Whitney's whispers, The Little Mermaid, Squeakers, etc.), my tears, my frustrations, and my joys. I could not have made it through this year without all of you and am so blessed to know and have such wonderful people in my life. :)
On May 28th, 2013, a year ago today, I lost my voice. As most of you know, my voice never came back. For the past year, I have had weeks or months where talking was not really allowed or where whispering was difficult. It affected every single aspect of my life, and mostly in difficult ways. Working was difficult. Having a social life was really hard. Going and doing anything was embarrassing. I felt like I had to be strong and happy through it all. I soon grew tired of being strong for everyone. I couldn't do it anymore, but still kept going.
I remember the day so clearly. The night before I had told someone I thought I had allergies. When I woke up, I quickly figured out I was wrong and it was a cold. I felt like I could still do things. I had home teachers coming that day and a graduation party to go to for a youth in my ward. I went to a full day of work. By the time my home teachers came, I couldn't talk and was exhausted. I didn't make it to the party.
After two weeks, a co-worker called an ENT and set an appointment for me. At that appointment, I was told the my vocal cords had thinned and were not connecting. It was recommended that I have a stroboscopy. The diagnosis came after the strobe (which was not fun), near the end of July. Between July and September, I had been instructed not to talk at all. Easier said than done.
Therapy started in September. I was traveling a lot at that time because the specialist I needed was not located where I live. It started out at 3 times a week. I would work a part day, go down to therapy, stay with friend or family member down there (usually a different one each night), spend the next day checking in with work, practicing my vocal exercises, going to therapy and waiting for the next person to get off work, spend the night there, go to therapy early the next morning, drive right back, go to work and work long hours the rest of the week to get caught up on everything.
I remember the day so clearly. The night before I had told someone I thought I had allergies. When I woke up, I quickly figured out I was wrong and it was a cold. I felt like I could still do things. I had home teachers coming that day and a graduation party to go to for a youth in my ward. I went to a full day of work. By the time my home teachers came, I couldn't talk and was exhausted. I didn't make it to the party.
After two weeks, a co-worker called an ENT and set an appointment for me. At that appointment, I was told the my vocal cords had thinned and were not connecting. It was recommended that I have a stroboscopy. The diagnosis came after the strobe (which was not fun), near the end of July. Between July and September, I had been instructed not to talk at all. Easier said than done.
Therapy started in September. I was traveling a lot at that time because the specialist I needed was not located where I live. It started out at 3 times a week. I would work a part day, go down to therapy, stay with friend or family member down there (usually a different one each night), spend the next day checking in with work, practicing my vocal exercises, going to therapy and waiting for the next person to get off work, spend the night there, go to therapy early the next morning, drive right back, go to work and work long hours the rest of the week to get caught up on everything.
This took a toll on me. I wasn't keeping my self healthy, stress levels were high and I had no time or energy to do much of anything. I wasn't able to attend mutual and missed working with the girls on their Personal Progress. I had to take a new position at the temple, where my voice would not be used at all. I carried dry erase boards and little notebooks with me almost everywhere I went because it was the only way to assure I'd be heard.
My independence levels suffered. I was no longer self-sufficient in some situations. Friends would have to go with me to stores or other places to help me ask questions and make sure I could get what was needed.
Therapy was difficult. I had to relearn to breathe properly. I had to use more of my diaphragm, which was hard on my stomach. On bad stomach days, I couldn't do the exercises as well. My body placed huge stones in the path. We had to relieve tension that had been built up for a while in my neck through massage and electronic stimulation. I remember a few days of tears in therapy, which I later learned was normal.
I struggled going out in public for fear that people would try to talk to me or that I would have to try to explain this to them. I refused to be social in group settings because it would be to difficult to communicate. I felt that no one really wanted to meet someone who didn't have a voice. I didn't want to appear to be a snob and ignore people. It was embarrassing to attend church and other meetings, just to sit there and say nothing, not be able to sing, and more. I would get jokes that a spouse or children would love it if they got what I had. These were some definite low points.
There were so many annoyances and so many frustrations. Many nights, I would be in bed crying because there was no end in sight, I felt helpless, and everything else in my life seemed to be falling apart.
By October, other difficulties occurred that made the situation so much worse and made me hit more lows. Those low times were hard. However, during those hard times, there were little positives that would pop up (I stress the word little in this sentence). For example, I remember driving to therapy one day and being scared of having a rough session, like the one the day before. A song came on the radio and the words that hit me were: "Say what you want to say. Let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave." I was intrigued so I listened to words, more carefully. Though I knew it meant something different, it became my theme song to be brave, let the words come and not hold my tongue.
One day, I had a major breakdown in therapy. That session was hard on me. It was one of the "tears" days. I began to realize more and more about myself at that time. Here is what I learned from that. I keep my feelings inside. I am not good at expressing them out loud or showing my true emotions (seems ironic reading this post). I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else and don't let or like people to see my weaknesses. I am overly independent. I have a low self-image and self-esteem. This session was pretty rough. I was told to go home and write about the issues. I got home, wrote a few notes, and went off to work. By the time I got off that night, I was a mess. A dear friend came over, and we went through everything on the list. We talked for a good couple hours. She helped me more than she even realizes. (I wish she could read this but I am pretty sure she won't see it because she is an amazing missionary right now).
Things started coming more but it was still pretty slow. Slower than it normally takes. I tried to stay positive, especially in public. I began to make light of my situation. I even dressed up as a mime for Halloween. My therapy was no longer three times a week. We went down from three times a week to two times a week, to once a week, to twice a month, with one of those appointments being up where I live, and finally once a month. Progress was being made and people could tell. There were still moments of embarrassment, like when I couldn't sing Christmas carols, or when I called my Mom on her birthday and couldn't really communicate still. There are so many more.
At my appointment in December, so much progress had been made that we were going to start focusing on strengthening the voice and adding inflections in. Up to this time, I sounded pretty robotic when I talked. I was given a CD and was told to do the exercises twice a day. I did really well with those, even over Christmas break, though I didn't record my time. After I got back from Christmas, I recorded my time and it was improving. Success!!! I was optimistic for my appointment in January. However, I got sick the first weekend of January and ended up having to cancel my appointment. I was still sick in February and emailed my therapist to let her know. When March came, I was recovering from surgery and we decided to wait a bit longer. Life got away from me, and we did not start therapy back up until May.
During the May session, they were noticeable differences. I had good technique, was not really having to focus on my breathing and was smoother and stronger with the noise. I was also able to hold tones longer, which is good considering everything that I had been through in the months previous. I am not done yet though. I am doing more exercises to strengthen and work on my upper register. I am not in the clear and this will always be considered a disability in ways.
I have started Vocational Rehabilitation to find a career that will be good with my vocal issues, so they don't come back once I am back to a normal speaking voice. I have learned that not only are job interviews for the employer but the employee. I have to find the right fit. My voice is strong enough to do some things at the temple but not all. I am able to communicate better now. I have learned SO much through this experience that it is hard to put into words. It has made me a better person. It has taught me about myself and how important it is to be true to who I am and stand up for what I believe in and what is right. If I need to let me feelings out, I can write them, or exercise, or throw rocks into water, or talk them through with someone who understands. If I let them fester inside, it will do no one any good. Even though I have learned all of this, I still struggle with actually remembering and doing it.
There are still times when I struggle being around large groups of people. There are certain memories that come up when I see certain people, am in specific places and/or experience certain events. The rawness of the beginning and all the others emotions come into play. However, I never did blame this on anyone. I want to make sure this is clear. It was my fault in all areas. I am not perfect yet. There has been improvements but I still have things I need to work on.
I want to send out a HUGE thank you to everyone who has helped me through all of this. There were days I wanted to quit. There were times when I rebelled and talked when I shouldn't have. Thank you to those who let me stay with them while I was doing therapy. Thanks to the kids I babysit (and their parents) for letting me practice and for practicing with me. Sorry parents. Some of the exercises the kids couldn't get and they ended up spitting. Oops! Thank you for being understanding of why I had to text, email and message, rather than call. Thank you for making accommodations which helped me to not feel like an inconvenience and like I still had a role and purpose. Thanks for your patience, love and prayers. Thank you for accepting me with the condition. Thank you for sharing my emotions, my laughter when joking around (Whitney's whispers, The Little Mermaid, Squeakers, etc.), my tears, my frustrations, and my joys. I could not have made it through this year without all of you and am so blessed to know and have such wonderful people in my life. :)
Monday, May 26, 2014
Presenting.........
What? You want to get to know me a little better. Oh, okay! One of the ways that I cope with nerves or fears or anxiety is through humor. This entry is an example.
I have an announcement!
I am having a ......... stone! (I have heard the pain is similar to childbirth)
It's a girl! Her name is Crystal. (Because that is the main build up of kidney stones. Ha Ha. Get it! So punny)
What? You want to see a picture of her? I'm happy to oblige.
I have an announcement!
I am having a ......... stone! (I have heard the pain is similar to childbirth)
It's a girl! Her name is Crystal. (Because that is the main build up of kidney stones. Ha Ha. Get it! So punny)
What? You want to see a picture of her? I'm happy to oblige.
Isn't she cute. :) They are estimating about 6 mm in size.
As you can see, she is expected to arrive between Thursday (the day they will start me) and Saturday (hopefully not longer than that), and will be coming in multiple pieces.
There was enough time to plan a shower to welcome her to the world or to register. Hee Hee. Who knows. Maybe after she comes, I will have a party celebrating her arrival.
(Can you tell I'm pretty nervous about the procedure. I'm excited for it to be over too.)
Monday, May 12, 2014
A Surprise for My Mom
This year has been a difficult one and I could not think of a gift for my mom for Mother's Day that adequately expressed my gratitude for all her help. Let me just say a few words about that.
My mom is one of the most giving and charitable people I know. She came down a few times during this ordeal. Each time, she would spend time cleaning my house, cooking for me, buying me groceries and more. She even helped me pack up things before and after surgery so it was easier when it came time to move. I cannot express how much that helped and how much it meant to me. She would check in with my daily to see how I was doing and what she could do to help. She is so kind. How do you repay someone who has done so much for you? An idea began to blossom.
The Idea:
A few weeks ago, during a phone conversation, she said something about me not making it home. I haven't been home all year because of finances and sickness. I knew that I had traveled. However, I figured if finances worked out, with the new job that I have been working and babysitting, I would surprise her and show up at home. I also wanted to bring her something that she would like. I thought on that and decided a plant may work.
Prep Work:
I started making phone calls to make sure that she would be in town. I told my dad my plan and he worked with me to make sure it could happen. I also let my brother and sister know it was a surprise, though my sister forgot. My mom and dad were going to be out of town when I arrived and so I planned carefully where I was going to park (not my normal spot) and arranged a time frame for arrival.
The Surprise:
I packed my bag, loaded up, filled the car with gas, and headed out. I made a stop at a greenhouse on the way out of town and potted a plant for her. Then, I took off. I arrived and took my stuff into the basement bedroom, including the plant. I spent the time waiting for them to come home on the floor. When they arrived, I realized I didn't know what I was going to say or how I was going to surprise her so I just sat there. My dad unlocked the door and walked in. My mom walked in and jumped. She was startled to see someone in her house. When she realized it was me, I said "Happy Mother's Day". It worked out so well. She had no clue.
The next morning, when I woke up, I went upstairs with the plant in my hand. When she saw that, she was pretty shocked too. She had said that my coming was gift enough. Hopefully, the plant was just an added bonus.
The Ending:
I spent the rest of the day going to church, having dinner with my Grandpa Ivey, doing dishes for her, and visiting my Grandma Parkin. It really was a wonderful day. We ended the day trying to figure out how to use her tablet to take a selfie and post it onto Facebook. I have to say, the picture that we attempted still makes me laugh out loud. Let's just say it got deleted pretty quickly after. We ended up with a pretty decent one.
I love my mom and am so glad that I could spend Mother's Day with her.
My mom is one of the most giving and charitable people I know. She came down a few times during this ordeal. Each time, she would spend time cleaning my house, cooking for me, buying me groceries and more. She even helped me pack up things before and after surgery so it was easier when it came time to move. I cannot express how much that helped and how much it meant to me. She would check in with my daily to see how I was doing and what she could do to help. She is so kind. How do you repay someone who has done so much for you? An idea began to blossom.
The Idea:
A few weeks ago, during a phone conversation, she said something about me not making it home. I haven't been home all year because of finances and sickness. I knew that I had traveled. However, I figured if finances worked out, with the new job that I have been working and babysitting, I would surprise her and show up at home. I also wanted to bring her something that she would like. I thought on that and decided a plant may work.
Prep Work:
I started making phone calls to make sure that she would be in town. I told my dad my plan and he worked with me to make sure it could happen. I also let my brother and sister know it was a surprise, though my sister forgot. My mom and dad were going to be out of town when I arrived and so I planned carefully where I was going to park (not my normal spot) and arranged a time frame for arrival.
The Surprise:
I packed my bag, loaded up, filled the car with gas, and headed out. I made a stop at a greenhouse on the way out of town and potted a plant for her. Then, I took off. I arrived and took my stuff into the basement bedroom, including the plant. I spent the time waiting for them to come home on the floor. When they arrived, I realized I didn't know what I was going to say or how I was going to surprise her so I just sat there. My dad unlocked the door and walked in. My mom walked in and jumped. She was startled to see someone in her house. When she realized it was me, I said "Happy Mother's Day". It worked out so well. She had no clue.
The next morning, when I woke up, I went upstairs with the plant in my hand. When she saw that, she was pretty shocked too. She had said that my coming was gift enough. Hopefully, the plant was just an added bonus.
The Ending:
I spent the rest of the day going to church, having dinner with my Grandpa Ivey, doing dishes for her, and visiting my Grandma Parkin. It really was a wonderful day. We ended the day trying to figure out how to use her tablet to take a selfie and post it onto Facebook. I have to say, the picture that we attempted still makes me laugh out loud. Let's just say it got deleted pretty quickly after. We ended up with a pretty decent one.
I love my mom and am so glad that I could spend Mother's Day with her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
